To be or not to be

Now that I have finished an Associates degree and paying the bill heavily, I am wondering if it was worth it at all. Being the person that I am I strive to be satisfied creatively and show the world what I can do. Dreams of a young actress/singer at one time. However I have learned that may not be in the cards for me at the moment. Once my children get older I intend to participate in community theater groups for fun. The question is can I do something I enjoy creatively for income??? I think in some way we are all aspiring artists of a kind and we all want to be happy at our jobs. What do you want to do? What did you want to do as a child? I am learning that in America we can do whatever we want as long as we pay insane amounts of money for education we could get from reading a book. So why not get all the education you can get by reading on the topics you want to be well versed in. Then use that knowledge to become whatever you want. I am strongly considering using whatever spare time I currently have ( which isn't much). To write a book. Not one of those opinionated guidelines for life. But a story that I believe needs to be told, and if everyone else knew this story the may learn what I have learned. Well a dream can only be reality if you do it. So here goes....

Trip home

I left here with my husband and we had an amazing week visiting family in the country. Unfortunately he had to leave me and he won't be home for 45 days. The girls and I went around nearly the entire state of NY, visiting family and creating memories that will last a life time. I really haven't had a better trip home ever. Thank you to my wonderful and supportive family for a wonderful time. My daughters really love their family! I am happy to be home and ready to move on to a new place and time in my life. The unfortunate part of my trip was not getting to spend enough time with Amber, however I do not think there will ever be enough time for anything. I love that Layla looks like you Amber. She acts like you, she is a you in a huge part. I am so lucky to have both of you in my life. So beautiful, so wonderful and so strong.

News

Some news you recieve is absolutely depressing, however it doesn't depress you. They have been telling us my sister has been getting worse and worse and then better and now she has a tumor just as malignant as the last. When I first found out I cried for days. In fact the first year all I could imagine was the depression, my family is so depressed and angry. This is all that I could see coming from this horrible circumstance. Then something clicked. Lately I have been practicing thinking in "the now". Sounds ridiculous, but for someone who is constantly pondering and contemplating life in all its horrors and wonders, this was the best thing that has ever happened. Whenever something crosses my mind that has no effect on what i am doing right now, I let it go. It doesn't matter right now. After practicing this for weeks I have found myself happier than I have ever been in my life. I have fun every single day. Before I learned this technique I could not imagine a day in my life when I was not stressed or angry. Now its like a huge weight has been lifted from me. So I take a look at this circumstance with my sister. The best friend I have ever had, my companion through out my entire life and I do not feel depressed. I do not feel angry. I feel motivated. Motivated to feel better in myself. Motivated to be happy and live a normal healthy life. Give my daughters the life they deserve and the love no one else could ever give them. Thats what she wants too. I think that through me, and my vibes and my happy spirit, she may be able to find peace and happiness too in my presence. She loves my daughters like her own. There is nothing more I can give her than being happy, joyful peaceful and being able to share it with her.

The most important thing

Sometimes in life we get caught up in petty things like arguments and conflicts that are anything but "big picture". I have learned recently that the most important thing in life is family. Your husband, your babies and siblings and parents. We found out recently that my sister has more tumors in her brain. Her symptoms seem to be worsening. I am planning to head to NY to spend time with her while my husband is deployed. My babies need their aunt as badly as I need my best friend. It is wierd to see how every person in my family is reacting differently to this whole situation. Some act like its all going to be okay. Some act like it will be the end. Some don't talk about it because if they do it may just be a real issue.

I called my brother today and asked him for the straight shoot, the true story. No sugar, no exaggerations. He told me and I didn't want to hear what he had to say. He also made a point to tell me to "cut out the bullshit with mom". He made a point to say it wasn't MY bullshit but in the end I need to be civil. Despite the fact that my mother and I have conflict, my sister lives with my mother and I will have to put on a show with her in order to make Amber feel better. She needs a strong family and THAT is the most important thing.

I also have learned that about my husband and children. Since I have had the girls I have been trying to control every aspect of their upbringing to avoid situations that occured during my life. In the mean time forgetting I have a husband who needs special attention too and a marraige. Marraige is a living breathing thing that takes work and patience. One day my kids will grow up and get married and move away. Then there will only be me and him. I can not let that be forgotten again. I love you baby.

People

Today my post is about ppl and the things we are experiencing right now in this world that bother me. For starters my car got broken into this morning, the window was smashed and the GPS was stolen. My car by the way has two childseats in it. One infant seat. Why on earth would someone break into a car that has childseats in it and shatter glass everywhere. Some ppl obviously have no morals and no values. They must be very sad.

Also everyday the news is full of information on this oil spill. The whole situation makes me want to scream and cry. What we have done to mother earth is horrible and we deserve to be punished. We are killing her creatures. There are pictures of dead ocean critters covered in tar and oil. It is so horrible. Nothing bothers me more than when we violate our planet in these ways. I go out of my way to recycle, turn off my lights when I am not using that room. I have looked into ways for us to help with this oil spill, but we can not clean up if we are not down there. The only other way is to give them money, which is something I do not have. I feel helpless. My apartment complex does not even have recycle bins. If it were up to them you would just throw away all your reusable material. What the hell is wrong with people? Don't they understand that this is the ONLY planet we have to live on? We are filling it with garbage and toxic chemicals. I have replaced EVERY cleaning material in my house with non toxic all natural cleaners. I buy it in bulk so the waste is minimal. Why doesn't everbody do this? It is cheaper through the company I go through. The problem is that barely anyone even considers the earth anymore it is all about instant gratification and convenience. Puke!

Just sayin'

So I always thought that blogging your information for everyone to read was egocentric. Because why would anyone be so interested in your life they would want to read your every thought and desire. However, now I have realized it is more for the person writing it. Writing is expressive and makes the author feel better, like they have vented. Well I have found that I complain too much and there are a lot of problems with my personality that have come from being the child of two serious alcoholics. With the disease comes misery along with mental and physical decline. Just recently I was forced to push my own mother out of my life due to her illness. In fact the poison of alcoholism has creeped into my new family as well. It has caused me to not truly understand real relationships and to be dramatic and untrusting. Until recently I did not realize all that was wrong with the way I was behaving. Then my husband decided that I was too miserable to be around. At first I pitied myself, and wanted some sort of fulfillment for the void he was leaving in my heart. Then he left for a few weeks on deployment. During this time I went to therapy, I painted, I wrote, I exercised. I trusted my friends and my supportive family members to be there for me. It was only a few weeks and I still have a long way to go. However, I realized I was okay. I am better than this and I deserve to fight to be a better person for myself, my children and my husband. Even though he is a pain in the ass, he deserves to have a happy household that is not poisoned by my past. I pray to God to help me get rid of what has followed me to this point in my life. To all of those alcoholics out there, like my wonderful Uncle Mark, who have fully recovered and worked to be the better person they deserve and their families deserve. I will never appreciate someone more than when they can defeat this disease. It takes time, strength, therapy, AA classes. Because even when you cut the alcohol out of your life, if you have been behaving a certain way for a long time, you need to be retrained on how to integrate yourself into the normalcies of society. Unfortunately, when you are parented by those with this disease, you never even began to know normal. Your life is dramatic, sometimes violent, painful and dissapointing. Now I have to admit my problem. I am the child of an alcoholic. I have been poisoned by this disease. And it stops with me.