Tuesday, June 1, 2010
So I always thought that blogging your information for everyone to read was egocentric. Because why would anyone be so interested in your life they would want to read your every thought and desire. However, now I have realized it is more for the person writing it. Writing is expressive and makes the author feel better, like they have vented. Well I have found that I complain too much and there are a lot of problems with my personality that have come from being the child of two serious alcoholics. With the disease comes misery along with mental and physical decline. Just recently I was forced to push my own mother out of my life due to her illness. In fact the poison of alcoholism has creeped into my new family as well. It has caused me to not truly understand real relationships and to be dramatic and untrusting. Until recently I did not realize all that was wrong with the way I was behaving. Then my husband decided that I was too miserable to be around. At first I pitied myself, and wanted some sort of fulfillment for the void he was leaving in my heart. Then he left for a few weeks on deployment. During this time I went to therapy, I painted, I wrote, I exercised. I trusted my friends and my supportive family members to be there for me. It was only a few weeks and I still have a long way to go. However, I realized I was okay. I am better than this and I deserve to fight to be a better person for myself, my children and my husband. Even though he is a pain in the ass, he deserves to have a happy household that is not poisoned by my past. I pray to God to help me get rid of what has followed me to this point in my life. To all of those alcoholics out there, like my wonderful Uncle Mark, who have fully recovered and worked to be the better person they deserve and their families deserve. I will never appreciate someone more than when they can defeat this disease. It takes time, strength, therapy, AA classes. Because even when you cut the alcohol out of your life, if you have been behaving a certain way for a long time, you need to be retrained on how to integrate yourself into the normalcies of society. Unfortunately, when you are parented by those with this disease, you never even began to know normal. Your life is dramatic, sometimes violent, painful and dissapointing. Now I have to admit my problem. I am the child of an alcoholic. I have been poisoned by this disease. And it stops with me.